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HEY EVERYBODYYYYYYYY!!!!

Nov. 4th, 2005 | 03:28 pm
mood: drunkdrunk

Sorry I've been MIA. Life is pretty hectic when you are a blessed earth mother to be. I keep eating styrofoam, not sure why. In my time away I've taken a photography class. Here's an example of my art. This is of one of those Bible beaters I met a few months ago at youth group. She willingly posed for this picture and even let me dye her hair!







After I slipped an lsd tab on her communion wafer.

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pickles

Jul. 21st, 2005 | 10:41 am
mood: hornyhorny

Hey y'all. This is me:


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away in a manger

Jul. 21st, 2005 | 09:43 am
mood: surprisedsurprised

what up gang? just a quick note from cammie - i was hangin out at this gas station and i noticed a computer set up in the office behind the counter so once the clerk went to check some stuff i hopped right online! i'm in a hurry - that's why i'm not using any capital letters.

i just wanted to say that if i name my baby jesus christ i wouldn't have to come up with any lullabys for him! i was flipping thru a hymnal liddy brought me and all the songs are about jesus! i'm not good at making up songs so this would help. i can't think of any lullabys with the name 'snapper' in them.

the cattle are lowing, the baby awakes, but little lord jesus no crying he mak...

i'm getting yelled at. gotta go!!!!

cams

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A long read but worth it! I like praising the lord even though i'm a wiccan.

Jul. 19th, 2005 | 10:31 am
mood: highhigh

Hey everyone in da house~!!!! Cammie is here! Wow, what a crazy bunch of days I have been having! So much has happened and there so much to tell. Firstly, baby is well! I went to a clinic as a result of my new friends (i'll explain later!!) and got my baby checked out. AND GUESS WHAT!!! My baby is due on December 24!!! For those of you that don't know, that's Christmas eve. And after the weekend I had I've learned the true meaning of Christmas. And I've also learned that instead of naming my baby Snapper or Snoopy, I may name him Christ instead. Now that you're all befuddled I'd better explain!

So last Tuesday I was sitting in my trailer, watching "The Price is Right" and eating cheetos and milk (a cereal I invented - it's good for the baby and good for the Cammie too) when all of the sudden I heard a knock upon my door. I wasn't expecting anyone so I pushed my tv tray out of my way and got a knife out of the kitchen. I have a lot of enemies so I can never be too careful. I waited just a moment and then flung the door open with a swift kick and held my knife up high! Instead of an enemy at my door I saw 2 young ladies and a young man dropping their belongings and running back towards their vehicle. I shouted after them, "Wait! I thought you were somebody else! Come back!" They stopped at the car and looked at each other and then came back.

They were so nice! The two girls, Liddy and Lisa told me they were from a youth group at a church in town! They were going door to door as a result of a youth group meeting they had where they felt like they needed to affect the community more. And that's how they ended up in my trailer park! The boy, Matt, gave me a flyer. It said that they had youth group meetings every WEdnesday night. I asked them what they do at these meetings and they said sing praise songs and have a lesson. I told them that sounded boring but then they said they also had snacks and after inquiring if the snacks were free (and finding out they were!) I said sign me up!!!!!!

So Liddy said she'd stop by and pick me up on Wednesday. Then they left and I picked up my cereal off my gold shag carpet and added some more milk and finished it up.

On Wednesday I spent the whole day getting ready! I bathed with the garden hose and dug a hole to relieve my nervous energy. My mumu's were getting a little tight (baby and all) so I forced one on and put one on over it in case the first one ripped. Then I took my shower curtain off the rod and made a homemade shawl with it. I'm so crafty!

Liddy arrived at 6:30 on the dot! It's been ages since I've been in a car (other than a police car) but I squeezed my voluptuous frame into her jetta and we were on our way. She had some great tunes going in the car. They were by an artist named "DC Talk." We both rocked out to a tune that went "What will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak? What will people do when they find that it's true!!?" It was so cool. Liddy said that tonight was a special youth group meeting. I was secretly hoping she meant that her and I were going to go into the woods and put slugs on our coochies but she meant that we were going to a pool party at the youth minister's house.

We arrived at the youth minister's house shortly. Liddy went in the house first and I followed. It was such a nice house! It's rare I get to go into houses that are connected to the ground and not movable. There was no one in sight and again I secretly hoped Liddy had lured me there for alone time but she said everyone was in the basement. We started down the basement and I could hear voices singing and a guitar strumming on my way down. But then I tripped and I'm a big girl so when I fall - it's look out or be steam rolled! I fell down the stairs and landed right in the middle of the circle everyone had gathered in. They all jumped up and helped me up! Most times that I fall people leave me on the ground but these folks were so nice! Once I got up I realized that I had landed on the guitar (and the man playing it). The man sat up and groaned but then he said everything was okay and that I wasn't the first person to do that. He was the youth leader, Steven Durt. And boy was he happy to see me. I thought he almost had a crush on me. I apologized for crushing his guitar and he said "no worries" (like an austrailian!!) and then he got another guitar out of a case. He told me to join the circle and I did. We sang a cool song it went something like "Jesus is the rock and he rolls my blues away!" Then we got to go "Bop shoo bop shoo bop woo!" and make hand motions!!!!!! I was all giggly and giddly!

Then the youth minister began his lesson. It was pretty boring and I didn't listen. Then we had prayer requests. They got around to me and I said that I guess I should say a prayer for my baby. They all looked at me funny and I was like, "Yeah, I'm prego. Duh that's why I'm so hefty." Things were quiet and Liz asked when I was due. I was like, "Hell if I know. I'm just going thru the motions." So it got out that I hadn't been to a doctor and they made me promise to go with them the next day.

Well after everything we went outside for the pool party. I didn't bring a bathing suit but boy was it hot. So, being an earthmother and all, I stripped myself of my clothes! Again. Things got quiet. But "no worries!" Because I made a lot of noise as I cannonballed into the pool. When I surfaced I noticed most of the kids were being ushered back inside. Steven Durt ccame to the pool and told me that Jesus wants us to be free as long as we follow his rules and regulations and become like slaves but in a free and good way. And one of Jesus's rules was to not swim naked in front of people.

So I got out and Liddy drove me home. True to their words, Liddy and Liz picked me up the next day to go to the doctor. I was scolded at for not coming in sooner but I did learn my due date! December 24! Liddy and Liz thought that was cool and I told them if it happens on Jesus's birthday that I will name my baby after the Lord. After the doctor's Liddy and Liz said something about washing their hair and they dropped me off at my trailer. So here I am, happy as a lark!

Maybe next week I can join the workers in the cotton fields of heavenly slaves. I mean workers.

Out like a heavenly trout
Cammiebeans

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"There is only one rule to become a good talker: learn how to listen"-unknown

Jul. 7th, 2005 | 02:01 pm
mood: cheerfulcheerful
music: "Stinkfist" by Tool

Hello, World! Word up, everybody. Cammie here. I've missed you all terribly. I have been preoccupied with job-related issues. I have to say, I get a little upset just thinkinga bout it. Honestly, I don't even know what happened. I just got so hungry, I couldn't help myself. More on that later.

So, as you all know, I was hired by Gail at Dollywood to man the summer pie-eating contest. It was extremely fun for the first couple of weeks. We had a lot of different flavors of pies and a lot of hot, hunky men. I couldn't believe how smoothly things were going. In fact, don't tell anyone, but there was this beautiful man by the name of Hank the Hammer who won the contest three days in a row. On the third day, when I gave him his prize, I said, "Congratulations, Hank the Hammer." and he said, "I know a way you could congratulate me that would be a lot better than a leg of lamb and a seminar on how to make rope." A few more witty sentences followed. What followed after that, you ask? Why, it was Cammie and this handsome blob of a man making sweet love under the pie-eating table while rubbing blueberry filling upon each other's willing bodies. Oh, the thought makes me tremble even now. It makes me long for the night of slugs I had a few weeks ago. You know, this whole pregnancy thing is really helping me to come into my own as a woman. I feel a lot like an Earth Mother. I'm finally able to embrace my sexuality and my earth motherlyness. It's all very exciting, and a little overwhelming.

Anyway, so the pie-love-making was great and all but then I got fired from my pie contest post. I was not happy about it. You see, I was helping to prepare the nice, warm, cherry pies, one lovely Monday afternoon and the scents were wafting up to me and I couldn't help myself. So I ate sixty of them. And took three home. When it came time for the contest to start, I put leaves and branches on the tables in place of the pies and hoped no one would notice. However, someone noticed. I told them someone else ate them, but Gail said, "If someone else ate them, then why are you covered in cherry glaze?" and I said, "Good question. I was the victim of a brutal force-feeding, like in that movie 'Seven'. Have you seen it?" and she was all like, "No, I haven't seen it." and I was like, "THEN YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, DAMNIT!" And Gail said, "Well, Cammie, I like you, so I'm not going to fire you, but I do think it would be a good idea to move you to a different area of the park." So, now I'm a ride attendant working at the Tennessee Tornado, which is a roller coaster. I man the ride along with several other people. My job is to try to cram big fat people who are too big to fit into the little roller coaster car, into the roller coaster car. Our motto is, "If it don't fit, make it fit!" So I do, because that's my job, and I'm damn good at it.

Anyway, I'd better get going because I hear some Cheeto's a-calling my name. The baby is doing pretty well. I was thinking maybe I should go to a doctor or something just to have things checked out. Hmm. Food for thought.

Love,
Cammie

P.S. Please leave me lots of love and encouragement in my livejournal and also, on my myspace page! I appreciate it very much. For information on where to send blueberry pies and Cheeto's, just ask!

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(no subject)

Jun. 21st, 2005 | 09:35 pm
mood: excitedexcited

ATTENTION WORLD!!!!!!!!!!






I, Cammie, am now on myspace in addition to being on livejournal! Please take a minute and check me out. Also, if you are on myspace I think we should be friends. Just send me a message!

Out like minnows Cammie

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

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Breaking news

Jun. 12th, 2005 | 07:26 pm
mood: accomplishedaccomplished
music: Britteney Spears

Hi there and hello! Cammie here. I have much newses to report! I know you're all dying to hear it so I won't make you wait but a moment more!

FIRSTLY, I have been hired by Dollywood! Gail called today and told me that she really enjoyed my fun sense of humor and penchant for created dresses out of wallpaper samples and that she wanted me to join the Dollywood team! However, she was concerned about my being able to move around the park in the heat because of my size and I said, "Don't worry, I'm not fat, I'm just pregnant!" So she hired me. Cammie will be manning the summer pie-eating contest starting next week! I start my training on Tuesday so wish me luck! I am very excited. And hungry.

So in light of the good news, and of my stupid, smelly and NOW BALD brother's (I put Nair in his shampoo bottle on his last visit) visit, I went up the mountain with him to visit my family and tell them about my job. My mother said that while she still hates me, she is proud. My father smiled and gave me some money and also said that if I have any significant others, that I am more than welcome to use his wheelbarrow or barn to have some lurid farmer sex. He said it really brings the spark back into a romance. I threw up on his shoe.

Anyway, things were going very well so of course, Mike (my brother) had to let everyone know that he read my livejournal and that I am pregnant. I was GOING to tell them but I was hoping to be, married, rich and skinny by then. So maybe like, in another week or two. My father was so shocked that he didn't say anything at all but my mother DID pass out for two and a half hours so at least SOMETHING good came of the whole experience.

Love and slugs,
Cammie

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HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Jun. 9th, 2005 | 07:39 pm
mood: ecstaticecstatic

Hi everyone! I just love these things! This came from my good friend becky who is so much cooler than other people i know in east tennessee. Namely Des and Kat. They're lame. ANyway, I know you all want to know more about me so here goes!

1. First best friend: uh..i don't think i can answer this. i'm still waiting for #1. i guess the goddess
2. First car: oh i don't have cash for a car.
3. First real kiss: te he...we all know! TRAVIS!!! unless my rottweiler counts
4. First break-up: Travis and i are going thru some truamas now
5. First screen name: cammiedion
6. First self-purchased album: amy grant. "heart in motion"
7. First funeral: i held a funeral for my self respect when i was five.
8. First pets: that good ole rottweiler, sandy
9. First piercing: my mom pierced my ears with a knitting needle. it hurt but my dreamcatcher earrings are fabulous
10. First credit card: cammie no comprendo
12. First enemy: the WHOLE WORLD DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13. First big trip: I went to Kingsport once. that was neat.

The lasts:
1. Last cigarette: now that i'm prego, i've given that up. although i did have one 5 minutes ago.
2. Last car ride: earlier today i was in downtown j.c. and i was accused of accosting a woman. she gave me a look and i thought she wanted a hug but when attempted she screamed and drew the attention of a cop who drove me home.
3. Last kiss: my hand for practice
4. Last good cry: i'm prego therefore i cry all the time.
5. Last library book checked out: cammie doesn't read. please.
6. Last movie seen in theatres: oh geezzz...maybe "Country Bears." I love those country bears
7. Last beverage drank: some oil. hey, cammie's thirsty.
8. Last food consumed: oh jesus. cheetos, cheetos, and more cheetos. washed down with motor oil.
9. Last crush: if you know me, you know the answer
10. Last phone call: cammie doens't have a phone. bills are hard to deal with. phones get cut off.
11. Last time showered: i don't fit in my shower. but it did rain earlier.
12. Last shoes worn: flip flops
13. Last item bought: a bag of cheetos. i had a coupon.
14. Last annoyance: Travis's dumb bitch girlfriend who flipped off when I was downtown
15. Last time wanting to die: the last time was the second before i found out i was prego. now i want to live!!
16. Last time scolded: the cop incident - he told me to stay away from society

Relationships:
1. Who are your best friends?: ummm, Travis. My bundle of joy in my belly is a future bff.
2. Do you have a girlfriend? i could want one, i could go there.

Fashion:
1. Where is your favorite place to shop? gas stations. of course wal mart - those are my people in there. oh and the food court at the mall.
2. Any tattoos or piercing? eventually i want a tattoo of travis looking confused (like he was that blissful night) and then our baby and an easter bunny swirrling about his face! i want it on my left butt cheek. which means i can design it on poster board, cause i have a big ass.

Specifics:
1. Do you do drugs? cammie is high on life people
2. What kind of shampoo do you use? i don't.
3. What are you most scared of? small spaces, airline seats, public restrooms, jettas, ...anything i can't fit in.
4. What are you listening to right now? the sound of my brother yelling cause he's over here and he just found the turd i dumped in the front yard. nature goddess forever biatch.
5. Where do you want to get married? oh on a mystical, dewy, grassy field with lightening bugs all around and a lot of cake availiable to me.
6. How many buddies are online? cammie is friend free people.
7. What would you change about yourself? my love life. TRAVIS!!! are you reading this? come home to mama.

Favorites:
1. Color: burnt orange. like cheetos
2. Food: anything, including non foods - like chewy shoes. but mostly cheetos
3. Girls names: snoopy, meadow, harmony, glass eye
4. Boys Names: snapper
5. Subjects in school: i never went and learnt things
6. Animals: i eat all kinds. i heart slugs in a special way
7. Sports: rolling

Have you ever:
1. Given anyone a bath? i can safely say "no".
2. Smoked? some ham, yes.
3. Bungee jumped? they don't let p.o.s.'s do that.
4. Made yourself throw up? i wish i could. but i love my food and it's place in my body too much.
5. Skinny-dipped? cammie doens't kiss and tell!
6. Been in love? YES
7. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? yes but it never works. people generally have it in for me when they first meet me
8. Pictured your crush naked? i'm blushing!
9. Seen your crush naked? yes. and i fucked him in my bathroom.
10. Cried when someone died? no. i get stone faced at those times. but i do cry a lot.
11. Lied? some would say to myself but i say no. perhaps i'm lying.
12. Fallen for your best friend? *sigh*
13. Been rejected? NEVER really, i mean people are always faking. it's hard to reveal true feelings when travis has to keep up a front for his "girlfriend."
14. Rejected someone? never
15. Used someone? uhhh
16. Done something you regret? i didn't kill that bitch of travis's when i had the chance!

Current:
1. Clothes? orange, blue, and red tye dyed sheet that i turned into a tube dress and a scarf for pizazz. even us prego girls have to look cute!
2. Music? no, still the yelling
3. Make-up? blue eye shadow, green mascara, some blush, and funky blue lipstick i found. i like being new wave.
4. Annoyance? Travis's bitch
5. Smell? my dirty vagina. oh was that too gross? ok, um, my cheeto soufle burning! brb.
6. Favorite artist? walt disney. i love to wear my 'goofy' character sweatshirt!
7. Desktop picture? travis
8. Book you're reading? again, cammie doesn't read
9. CD in player? celene dion
10. DVD in player? i don't own one of those
11. Color of toenails? haven't seen those in years

Last person:
1. You touched? the woman downtown
2. Hugged? oh i can't remember. i give myself hugs every morning.
3. You instant messaged? kat, to tell her she's special but not as special as becky.
4. You kissed? cammie doesn't kiss and tell!

Are you:
1. Understanding? yes
2. Open-minded? if i had a mind to open! hehehe
3. Arrogant? of course. like frank sinatra!
4. Insecure? no
5. Interesting? yes
6. Hungry? of course
7. Smart? some would say no.
8. Moody? i guess
9. Hardworking? what does that word mean? words are hard.
10. Organized? i guess, all my old cheeto bags are filed and categorized by dates consumed.
11. Healthy? sure, why not!
12. Shy? Around people I don’t know
13. Attractive? is this a trick question?
14. Bored easily? some days
15. Responsible? yes
16. Obsessed? NO. yes
17. Angry? sometimes at that cunt
18. Sad? no
19. Disappointed? no, i perservere!
20. Happy? yes
21. Hyper? mostly lazy
22. Trusting? no. i'm more suspicious
23. Talkative? i would be if anyone would talk to me
24. Legal? yes and willing!


Whom do you want to:
1. Kill? grrrr....
2. Slap? Travis's wet booty when he comes out of the shower
3. Get high with? cammie says no. you should too kids.
4. Look like? hey i'm me and i'm happy! but maybe dennis the menace.
5. Talk to offline? travis
6. Talk to online? what?
7. Hang out with? my baby. get born baby!

Random:
1. In the morning I am: fat
2. All I need is: a good bag of cheetos. and a dildo.
3. Love is: travis's penis
4. I dream about: my little one

Which is better:

1. Coke or Pepsi: either as long as it's mixed with orange juice. i don't do straight liquor
2. Flowers or candy: candy
3. Tall or short: i like for unicorns to have long horns so tall i guess
4. Liquor or beer? beer cans have hit me in the head before so liqour, cause i've never been hit with a liquor bottle. but there's a first time for everything. isn't there!

Random:
1. What do you notice first: if they have any food
2. Last person you danced with: the moon goddess
3. Worst question to ask: why are stalking my boyfriend?!
4. Who makes you laugh the most? a slug in my pants
5. Who makes you smile: a fresh cheeto bag
6. Who gives you a funny feeling: that ole slug in my pants
7. Who do you have a crush on: tra.... i'm not telling
8. Who has a crush on you: travis does but he won't admit it

Do you ever:
1. Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to instant message you: again, what is this internet that you speak of?
2. Save conversations: what the hell.
3. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: that is hard to answer. i wish i were so i could bitch slap travis's girlfriend and do him in the ass like i've always dreamed.
4. Wish you were younger: no, my younger years were scary. have you met my parents?!
5. Cry because someone said something to you: sure

Number:
1. Of times I have had my heart broken: 76277625782739704335874 x 3503485 to the 10th power. really.
2. Of hearts I have broken: too many
3. Of guys I've kissed: 1
4. Of girls I've kissed: silly
5. Of continents I have lived in: 1 but many in my dream mind.
6. Of tight friends: oh a lot.
7. Of CDs I own: what are cds?
8. Of scars on body: ooooo, one on my forehead from a beer can, a burn mark on my breast from my brother (he went nuts with a curling iron on me), a pencil stabbed me in the hand in school, i tried to give myself gastro bypass surgery so i have a cut on my stomach, hmm and many more. too many to name!

cool beans,
cammie

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Karaoke!

Jun. 8th, 2005 | 10:30 am
mood: happyhappy

Word up, you guys. Cammie here again. I just wanted to let you know that I haven't heard back from Gail at Dollywood yet but I know that I will soon. I was destined to work at Dollywood. Maybe if I work there long enough, they will hire me to be a singer and maybe a dancer. I am pretty light on my feet.

In order to practice my singing skills, I went to a bar for some karaoke with my good friend Brock. I did a beautiful rendition of "I'd do anything for love (but I won't do that)" by Meatloaf and then I begged Brock to do a little karaoke as well. He got really irritated and kicked me in the uterus but he finally gave in and went on stage to perform a very pretty song called "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit. Some people made fun of him because all he did was say "Cookie, nookie, yeah" a couple times before sitting back down. This made me frustrated because I know what a truly sensitive and wonderful being Brock is. I can tell because Earth Mothers just know these things and I am an Earth Mother. So I went on stage AGAIN to show everyone in the bar just how cool Brock and I really are. I sang my heart out to "Where does my heart beat now" by Celine Dion. I thought that I had really moved the audience but really I just moved some guy to say "Sit down and shut up, tons-of-fun." So I got really angry and smashed his beer glass. Then Brock and I got thrown out so he threw me over his shoulder and carried me home.

Good times. Talk to you later!

Love,
Cammie

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CAMMIE'S BACK!

Jun. 6th, 2005 | 06:49 pm
mood: spiritual
music: Milli Vanilli

Hey guys! Never one to disappoint my public, Cammie the Earth Mother has returned! What's up? I have been very busy with my pregnancy lately. Eating is a lot of work but someone's got to do it and I have to say, I think I'm just the Earth Mother for the job. By the way, I'm thinking of changing my journal name to EarthMother or possibly ItsCammieTime or maybe even DirtyFattieSex4Cheap. What do you think? I think so.

Anyway, Travis won't take my calls or talk to me at all and whenever I show up at the frat house where he lives, he just throws turnips at me and calls the police. But that's okay. He left some flaming dog poop on my front porch this morning so I feel renewed because I know that means he's still thinking of me. EARTH MOTHERS RULE!

ON TO THE IMPORTANT THINGS! I had a job interview today! Now in January, I had this audition at Dollywood with Travis to be an "entertainer". We performed our duet of "Girl you know it's true" by Milli Vanilli and I think we did a really great job except for when I tried to do my swan-like grand jete into Travis's arms, he dropped me and I fell on him and broke his arm in seven places so we didn't get the job. Whatever. We're just too progressive for them. The world is not yet ready for Cammie the Earth Mother.

So I went for another interview with Dollywood today. I had to drive all the way to Sevierville but it was worth it because Dollywood is the happiest place on Earth. I know that everyone says Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth but that's a dirty lie because at Disneyland, can you learn how to make rope or construct a wheel for your carriage while wearing an old fashioned dress and eating a barely-cooked, six pound leg of lamb? No. You can't. That's what I thought. But at Dollywood, you can! This makes it the happiest place on Earth. I love raw lamb. And rope. Also, Dolly Parton is one of my heroes. I might go so far to say she is my idol but that title belongs to Betty White. I sometimes pray to her. Hmm...maybe when she dies, Dolly will become my new idol.

Anyway, I was interviewed by a woman named Gail who wore the most beautiful orange lipstick I've ever seen. She also had most of it smeared all over her teeth, which made her mouth look even fuller and more lucious. She asked which position I was interested in and I said I was up for anything that didn't involve wearing a bonnet because my mother wears a bonnet and I hate my mother and Gail said well sometimes bonnets are necessary in life and I said yes, I understand this. Bonnets are important to the fiber of the American heart. Gail asked me if I had any special skills and I said singing because I can do a mean Celine Dion and she said anything else? And I said I'm pretty good at eating and then I ate a leg of lamb to demonstrate my skill. She said, "Not bad." and that she would give me a call so I guess we'll see what happens!

Well, I've got to get going because I have to get to Travis's car while he's still at work so that I can draw hearts and kisses on his windshield with pink soap.

How has everyone been doing? I've missed you all passionately. I will update myself with your journals pronto!

Love and slugs,
Cammie

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