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"There is only one rule to become a good talker: learn how to listen"-unknown

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Jul. 7th, 2005 | 02:01 pm
mood: cheerfulcheerful
music: "Stinkfist" by Tool

Hello, World! Word up, everybody. Cammie here. I've missed you all terribly. I have been preoccupied with job-related issues. I have to say, I get a little upset just thinkinga bout it. Honestly, I don't even know what happened. I just got so hungry, I couldn't help myself. More on that later.

So, as you all know, I was hired by Gail at Dollywood to man the summer pie-eating contest. It was extremely fun for the first couple of weeks. We had a lot of different flavors of pies and a lot of hot, hunky men. I couldn't believe how smoothly things were going. In fact, don't tell anyone, but there was this beautiful man by the name of Hank the Hammer who won the contest three days in a row. On the third day, when I gave him his prize, I said, "Congratulations, Hank the Hammer." and he said, "I know a way you could congratulate me that would be a lot better than a leg of lamb and a seminar on how to make rope." A few more witty sentences followed. What followed after that, you ask? Why, it was Cammie and this handsome blob of a man making sweet love under the pie-eating table while rubbing blueberry filling upon each other's willing bodies. Oh, the thought makes me tremble even now. It makes me long for the night of slugs I had a few weeks ago. You know, this whole pregnancy thing is really helping me to come into my own as a woman. I feel a lot like an Earth Mother. I'm finally able to embrace my sexuality and my earth motherlyness. It's all very exciting, and a little overwhelming.

Anyway, so the pie-love-making was great and all but then I got fired from my pie contest post. I was not happy about it. You see, I was helping to prepare the nice, warm, cherry pies, one lovely Monday afternoon and the scents were wafting up to me and I couldn't help myself. So I ate sixty of them. And took three home. When it came time for the contest to start, I put leaves and branches on the tables in place of the pies and hoped no one would notice. However, someone noticed. I told them someone else ate them, but Gail said, "If someone else ate them, then why are you covered in cherry glaze?" and I said, "Good question. I was the victim of a brutal force-feeding, like in that movie 'Seven'. Have you seen it?" and she was all like, "No, I haven't seen it." and I was like, "THEN YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, DAMNIT!" And Gail said, "Well, Cammie, I like you, so I'm not going to fire you, but I do think it would be a good idea to move you to a different area of the park." So, now I'm a ride attendant working at the Tennessee Tornado, which is a roller coaster. I man the ride along with several other people. My job is to try to cram big fat people who are too big to fit into the little roller coaster car, into the roller coaster car. Our motto is, "If it don't fit, make it fit!" So I do, because that's my job, and I'm damn good at it.

Anyway, I'd better get going because I hear some Cheeto's a-calling my name. The baby is doing pretty well. I was thinking maybe I should go to a doctor or something just to have things checked out. Hmm. Food for thought.

Love,
Cammie

P.S. Please leave me lots of love and encouragement in my livejournal and also, on my myspace page! I appreciate it very much. For information on where to send blueberry pies and Cheeto's, just ask!

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Comments {4}

excluding_you

Re: yay

from: excluding_you
date: Jul. 7th, 2005 11:03 pm (UTC)
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Oh, O'Neil! I'm so happy to hear from you. How is life treating you? I'm glad you think my job is cool because I hate it. I don't like stuffing people into rollercoaster cars while wearing an authentic olden days outfit, although sweating like a wildebeast has its perks.

Love,
Cammie

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