Log in

(no subject)

May. 26th, 2005 | 01:27 am
mood: hornyhorny

Hey guys,
Cammie here. Still prego like you would not believe! I may be only a few weeks prego but I'm already wearing my maternity clothes. And I think I'm gaining weight at an amazingly fast pace! But that may be all the mutton chops I'm downing and chasers of Dairy Queen.

I feel so amazing now that I'm pregnant. Sure, Travis is MIA these days but at least I've got my baby. And me and my baby are gonna take this world by storm! Hello world! You ain't seen nothin' yet! Glorious. I was lounging in my plastic reclining lawn chair this evening and contemplating the world. I felt very sexual. This is a naughty thing for Cammie to say but hey, this baby wasn't immaculately concieved! Hello! So anyway, I'm lying there in my chair and gazing up at the sky as the stars begin to appear, one by one. It was magical! I think I even saw a shooting star!

But then my chair broke from under me. Luckily just the 50 or so guests at my next door neighbor's barbeque saw me so I wasn't too embarrassed. Though one guy did throw a chick wing at me which I think was a gesture of kindness. (I was hungry) But then a beer can full of bud light smacked me in the head and I got freaking pissed! I was like, "Hey guys, I'm drenched in beer - who wants to lick it off?" (I was horny) When I said that they all went inside.

But I was feeling magical. I was feeling like the earth mother! I took off my maternity gown. And I appeared in my nude glory before the world! I was stunning. My boulbous belly danced with the moon light and my long and pale breasts reached for the ground. I raised my arms in salution to the goddess. I waved my arms about and pranced in a way not unlike an elephant attempting to prance. I laid upon the ground and gathered the slugs and snails that lay around me. I placed them on my nipples, my forehead, my neck, my thighs, yes, even my clitoris. I was earth mother!!!!!

Alas, at this point I realized American Idol was coming on so I stood up and put my gown back on. I went in the house and cooked my Manwich dinner. I ate it on the couch using my tv tray. American Idol was great! I felt something slippery and slimy in my netherregions and realized I had forgotten to remove a slug from a special place. I let it stay there until the end of the show, because it felt kinky, but then I took it out and watched it squirm towards my door but it died on the way. Couldn't take my sweet nectar I guess!!

Out like a snail emerging from my cooch onto the gold shag carpet,

Link | Leave a comment {7} | Share

Revenge of the Sith

May. 20th, 2005 | 01:04 am
mood: biscuity
music: Simon and Garfunkel

Hey guys. What's up? I'm still pregnant. I haven't heard back about my job interview yet, but last night Revenge of the Sith opened at the movie theaters. I didn't go see it because my mother says I look like Yoda and that hurts me. However, I DID drive back and forth in front of the theater a few times throwing milkbones at all of the people dressed up like jedi waiting in line for six hours to see the movie when they already had tickets. I threw almost all of the milk bones that were in the box but I had to make a quick getaway because Obi-Wan pulled a light saber on me. Then on my way home, I pulled my car over and ate all the milkbones that were left in the box. Then I ate part of the box.


Link | Leave a comment | Share

Possibly moving on up in the world!

May. 17th, 2005 | 11:18 pm
mood: ole!
music: Mamasita?

Word up, homeskillets. Cammie's in the hizzouse, yo. How you be? I be well, thanks. I had a pretty good day today, I think. Remember how I said that my friend Brock (part of my Super Cool Gang) got fired from his job selling vacations over the telephone? Well that's really sad and everything but I'm pregnant and I need a job so I thought that maybe since he lost his job, that I could replace him.

I set up an interview a few days ago and I had the interview today with a very nice man by the name of Carlos. I had to wait in the lobby for Carlos for a few minutes with some other people who were waiting for job interviews as well. One of the people kept staring at me and I said, "What are you looking at?" and he said, "A big fat ass who just happens to have a face." so I said, "I'M NOT FAT I'M PREGNANT." Gees, what a moron. I know all this weight will fall off when I finally have the baby in like half a year.

Anyway, I think that I will probably get this job. I think that I was very inventive and innovative. Before I left, Carlos asked me to read a couple of scripts telling about some information about the vacations I would be selling should I get the job while pretending I was talking to another person. I did very well but after a few minutes, I started to get bored so I began to replace some of the words with other words. I think that was a pretty good idea. It really sets me apart from the crowd. I'm a real non-conformist, guys. My innovative script sounded something like this:

"Hey guys, this is Cammie. How are you? I am calling to Cheeto you a vacation. Cheeto do you like to go when you go on Cheeto? Do you like to travel with your family? Cheeto think that I have a great deal for you! For only $119, Cheeto can go to Destin, Cheeto, or possibly even Myrtle Beach! Doesn't that Cheeto like a great idea? Cheeto? Cheeto?"

Carlos gave me a puzzled expression. I think that he could hardly handle my majesty. I have a lot of majesty to handle.

Word to your mother (this means that I told you to tell your mother that I said hi to her, Vanilla Ice-style),


Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share

Not a very nice day

May. 10th, 2005 | 09:47 pm
mood: you go to destin
music: Simon and Garfunkel

Hey guys. Cammie here. I have to say, I have had a very horrible day. I am feeling pretty desperate and horrible. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I guess I just have to rely on the healing power of crystals. Sometimes, I really wish I had a shaman like Tori Amos does. I bet her shaman really helps her through many trials and possibly some tribulations. If I had a shaman like Tori Amos does, we would sit together drinking mint-flavored herbal tea while discussing light and magic, I bet.

Let me just tell you about the day I've had, guys. I guess Travis told his horrible girlfriend Gina about the pregnancy and she is not pleased. She woke me up at 6AM with a phone call. I had fallen asleep with a Cheeto in my mouth and when the phone rang, it scared me and I inhaled and started choking so when I picked up the phone, I couldn't say anything because I was in the process of dying. I also missed part of what Gina said because I was coughing so loudly but here is the gist of it: "Hi Cammie. This is Gina. I just want you to know that you're a stupid whore in case you didn't already know but you probably did already know. You're probably lying about having Travis's baby but even if you're not, he's not going to help you raise the baby so you can just forget about all of your happy Easter Bathroom Marriage Dreams. If I have to come over there with a coat hanger myself, this baby is not happening. Even if you DO have it, you're having it all by yourself and I'm marrying Travis and you can't stop me. AND FURTHERMORE, I found out about those roleplaying games you've been brainwashing Travis with in order to seduce him and he's not going to be playing them anymore, YOU TRASHY DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS TEMPTRESS!"

I hope this doesn't mean the end of my relationship with Travis. I love him very deeply, even more than Jim the busboy from the Olive Garden.

Anyway, after I stopped choking on a Cheeto, I was very upset so I called Brock because I needed someone to talk to about the baby. His mother drove him over to my house and dropped him off. I talked to him for awhile but he mostly just grunted and threw things. Broke is a man of few words. I think that he is very deep and insightful even though he really doesn't talk and mostly just hits me.

Brock's mother drove over once to bring him some lunch in a tupperware container and then again later to bring him an after-lunch snack. When she came to pick him up in the evening, I talked to her for a little while. She congratulated me on my pregnancy and asked if she could feel my stomach to see if the baby was moving. I told her it wasn't moving yet but she wanted to feel it anyway. I told her she could but she just ended up grabbing my boob. I told her that I didn't like that very much and she said she was sorry but that she got confused about where exactly the baby was.

I think that one of the reasons Brock was so quiet today was because he lost his telemarketing job yesterday. He worked as a telephone representative selling vacations. He got fired because he has worked there for three and a half years and he is a very good employee because his mother always drives him to work on time but he has never sold a vacation. He would dial a number and when the person picked up the phone, he would yell into the receiver, "DESTIN ONLY $119! YOU GO TO DESTIN YOU GO NOW! ONLY $119 YOU BUY NOW!" until the person hung up. I think it was a pretty good technique. Too bad it didn't work.

Well, I guess I am going to go look at pregnancy magazines while holding some healing crystals and inhaling some incense and then I am going to cry myself to sleep.


Link | Leave a comment | Share


May. 9th, 2005 | 12:40 am
mood: acidic
music: freestyle acid polka

Hey guys, what's up? I'm pregnant. I checked. And I am. Pregnant. While I have a small fear that Travis will hate me and not raise the baby with me and I will be fat and unemployed and all alone...much like I am now...it's only a small fear because I know that Travis can see my inner-beauty.

I am trying to come up with some good names for my baby even though I don't know if it will be a boy or a girl yet or maybe a transsexual. I'm not sure. I really like the name Snoopy though, mostly because it is unisex. I really think that it would be good for a little girl, when she grows up, because everyone will call her Grandma Snoopy and she will be very kindly. And fond. What do you think? I need some ideas.

Anyway, BIG NEWS. Travis found out I'm pregnant. We hung out and played Dungeons and Dragons with The Super Cool Gang the other night at the gaming store. I ate fifteen bags of Cheetos because I had to come off my diet because I'm pregnant and the baby needs nourishment. No one noticed that I am pregnant at first, but Geraldo did say that I look fatter than ever and I told him to shut the fuck up and get on an innertube and float back to Cuba and he got very angry because he is Mexican. So I said fine, fuck the innertube, go pick some tomatoes! Taco Bell needs your help! Everyone gasped. At first, Geraldo just sat there and didn't say anything and then he didn't sit there anymore because he was standing up and he did say anything and it was something to the effect of, "I'm going to fucking kill you, you fat racist bitch!" THEN, he picked up my little roleplaying miniature person who I painted in pretty colors to make her look like my beautiful D&D character Carella Pegason. Then he kicked me in the stomach and when I opened my mouth to bellow in horror, he shoved my lovely character figurine down my throat until I started to choke on it. The last thing I said before I passed out was, "YOU CAN'T KILL ME, I'M PREGNANT WITH TRAVIS'S BABY!"

When I woke up, I was lying outside the gaming store in a gutter and Travis was pushing me with the toe of his shoe. I looked up and saw his beautiful face and I said, "You're going to be a Daddy, Travis." and he looked at me with a look of fondness and said, "I think I'm going to kill myself." and I told him not to worry because I would be a great mommy and that maybe we should get married. Then he told me that he was going to propose marriage to his stupid, skinny, smelly, lipsticked, sorrority girl girlfriend. I told him that wasn't a very good idea and what did he think of Snoopy for a name for the baby? He gave me a gentle nude with the toe of his shoe as I laid in the gutter and he said, "I already bought the ring." and I said, "Maybe you and I should kill ourselves together." and he said, "Maybe not." and I said, "Good idea. Let's just kill your girlfriend." Then he helped me out of the gutter and walked me to my car. He said that we would figure out what to do about the baby and that maybe it wasn't his. I told him he was the only boy I had ever been with and he said "Are you sure?" and I said, "Pretty sure." It's not possibly to be impregnated by your second cousin by marriage because you're related, right? That's what I thought.

Well, I'm going to go eat some Cheetos and milk. You know, for the baby. I hope that Travis calls me. I haven't heard from him since the Gutter Incident. By the way, my beautiful handpainted character figurine is TOTALLY ruined because I swallowed her, then I spit her back out but I sort of chewed on her and she looks a little...acidic. Oh well, a small price to pay for bringing a beautiful child into the world. Maybe I should think about getting a job. Oh and I hope that Geraldo still wants to be our Dungeon Master even though I called him a Cuban.


Link | Leave a comment {10} | Share

It's like Immaculate Conception!

Apr. 27th, 2005 | 04:35 pm
mood: excitedexcited

HEY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!

Well today I am writing to you from the ETSU computer lab. I've never been in here before, since I'm not an ETSU student. Now you might be reading this to yourself and saying in your head, "E. T. S. U." but I have learned that the cool way to say it is like a word. "etzooo"

So anyway here I am. No one is sitting next to me but I think that's because 1. I didn't bathe today 2. I have no money for deoderant (nor have I had any for about 7 weeks) 3. I'm breathing really heavy because it was a strenuous walk to get here for a big girl like myself and finally 4. On my way here I found a shopping cart, loaded it with my mini back pack, stopped at Kroger and bought cheetos, and wheeled my cart into the lab. I guess the only reason I didn't get caught is because the lab people aren't on duty. But I think those are the reasons why I'm able to maintain a personal space of about 9 feet in diameter.

So N E wayz. Biggest news of the whole wide century!!!!!!!! I think I am prego. Yes, friends (who never comment in my GD journal anymore >:( ) I missed my womanly rupture of my uterine lining and I think a little Cammie is in the works. I can't believe I may be prego after only one time! Should I tell Travis?! I don't know. I was supposed to keep our night of passion a secret. Wouldn't he love to know about our bundle of joy!? Oh I don't know what to do! I'm so torn. Like that Natalie Imburglia song that was my theme in 1997. "I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel, cold and I'm ashamed, lying naked on the floor." I use to like that line because I could sing it out loud and hope that Travis would hear me talking about lying naked on the floor and that would make him fantasize about it. Must've worked!

Well I'm planning on joining some online communities for pregos. If you are prego and want to be best friends please leave me a notesy! Ooops! There's the lab tech giving me either the evil eye or a romantic gaze. Well since he's calling security I'm assuming it's the former. I'd better get my cart and go!

Don't worry - I'll give you all details of my journey into prego hood!

- Cammie, Hot Mama.

Link | Leave a comment {6} | Share

Hey hey it's Cammie. I like to Cammie around.

Apr. 23rd, 2005 | 11:28 pm
mood: aggravatedaggravated
music: Britney Spears

Well, self-actualizing isn't working. I feel very unactual. Deactualized, if you will. At least my damn mother finally took her bonnet and went back up the mountain. My brother threw away all of the good food I had to eat in my house and told me to please losing some fucking weight for Christs's sake. It hurt my feelings but that's okay because before he left, I went into my brother's suitcase, emptied out his shampoo and conditioner bottles and refilled them with Nair. I'm feeling a lot better now. Not quite self-actualized, but better. My father also gave me enough money to get me through the next few months. I gave up on my diet and ate four bags of Cheeto's today. Also, for the past week I have been throwing up four to six times everytime I wake up, from a nap or in the morning or whatever. It is disgusting and it is also really messing up the Easter grass in my Easter bathroom. Anyway, I'm going to go finish digging the hole I was digging in the back yard. Peace out, bitches! <3

Link | Leave a comment | Share


Apr. 15th, 2005 | 02:54 pm
mood: no cheetos
music: these are a few of my favorite things (but not cheetos)

I am still very angry at my mother and my brother and I wish they would both get run over by something and that my father would not get run over because I like him. I am very very frustrated and I wish they would go back up to their cabin in the mountains. PHOOEY! I am trying to calm down and not be so upset. I am tired of my mother making fun of me so I am going on a diet. I have sworn off Cheetos and I have not had one in seven hours and I am craving one or seventeen very very badly but I am trying not to give in.


Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

A family visit

Apr. 15th, 2005 | 01:04 am
mood: poop
music: the sound of music

Okay you guys. I know that you're all used to up-beat glass-half-full let's-eat-cheetos Cammie but I'm just a little bit flustered right now. I'm trying not to be upset, I'm trying to channel my anger and harness my chi but I'm very very upset. I'm thinking about breaking something but I might just eat the freezer some ice cream instead. I'll tell you a little bit about what's going on in my life right now.

Remember when I told you that I thought my brother was going to fly in from Michigan to visit me and my parents were going to come down the mountain to visit me? Well they did and they're still here and they're going to be here for three more days and it's not GOING VERY WELL. First my brother Michael flew in and came to my apartment to visit me. I was very eager to see him because I hadn't seen him in a long time. He is a very good financial consultant and he has nice hair but I am mad now and I do not think that he is a very good financial consultant or a very good brother although he still has nice hair. When he walked in my door, he tripped over a box filled with empty Cheeto bags because I was too tired to take them to the garbage can outside. He kicked the box and orange dust flew everywhere and he called me a pig. I offered him a cheese briquette but he wouldn't take it. He just sat on my couch for an hour and refused to talk to me until our parents got here.

Now my parents live up on this mountain that is not far from my apartment but I don't see them very often because they say they keep busy and also my mother says I smell. They used to just farm goats but then they got Internet access and my brother bought them a computer. The following Christmas, my brother bought them a digital video camera. Three months later, they took out a loan, bought some fancy equipment and started their own porno site. It's called Farmers Gone Wild or something. I'm not sure of the title because I never went to it. I am very upset about it. I don't think that moms are supposed to be flashing their pudandas all over the computer, especially not MY mom! SHE WEARS A BONNET! I do not have very much respect for her and one time I got drunk on pina colads and Cheetos and I called her and told her I thought she was a bonnet-wearing horse-licking slut and she got very mad at me and wouldn't give me any money even though I told her that I am trying very hard to get a job but no one will hire me because I break a lot of chairs but that is NOT MY FAULT. My father sneaks me money though because my parents are very rich now. They have a very popular porno site because they keep buying new high-tech equipment that allows them to film their live sex feeds in some very exotic places like for example: in a tree, buy a horse, in the barn next to a cow, in some manure, in a wheelbarrow, in a chicken coop, a pig pen, a water trough and Burger King. I still do not think this is right even though they have money and their money pays for me to be able to write these very important things to you.

So I was very excited to see my parents when they got here but not my mother. She was wearing a very big bonnet and a very big smile when she saw Michael but when she saw me she said that I smelled like hot ass and Cheeto's and she would not let me eat one of her hot cross buns but she gave three to Michael. My father took me in the bathroom and gave me some money and told me to calm down but I got very angry and threw a toaster-oven at my mother so then my father had to take her into the bathroom to calm her down with their video camera. Two hours later, she they came out and she said that she would not be mean to her and my brother called me a cow with a butt for a brain and she laughed but my father said that when people call me a cow I should just hum to myself an inspirational song like from "The Sound of Music" so that is what I am doing and it is helping a lot.

My parents took Michael and I to eat at the Olive Garden. Jim the cute bus boy was there and I followed him around for twenty minutes but the manager told me that he had to work and that I had to sit down so I did but I still gave Jim some very coy glances because I am very coy.

Then I went back to my apartment with my family and my parents thought it would be a good idea to do a live feed from my bedroom while I played battleship in the living room with Michael and I told them no no no and my mother said, "Why don't you go eat a Cheeto?" and I said, "Why don't you stop eating a penis?" and then she slapped me and made my father go back to their hotel with her and Michael went with them and he said, "Cammie, why don't you get a job and stop bothering your poor father for money?" and I said, "My life is very hard!" and then he kicked me in the ankle and left but that's okay because when we were at the Olive Garden, I went out to the parking lot and poured deer piss which I had purchased at the local Wal-Mart in the hunting section and hidden stealthily in my purse into the air vents of his rental car. So I feel a lot better about that. However, I am still very angry at my mother so I wrote some poetry to inspire you all and to calm myself down. It goes like this:


Pain, Anger, Disease
Internet pornography
the dark clouds of hell are not clearing
and things are very dark and cloudy
my mind is diseased with darkness

OF FEAR!!!!!

But don't worry Cammie because it is going to be okay
Everything will be okay, Cammie
Because you are a unicorn in a field of hornless horses
in an empthy meadow, you are the lone daisy
singing into the sunlight with your face full of eyes
and other facial features

Angels sing in my liquid dreams of diamond lightnesses
and I know that everything is going to be okay
but I fucking hate my mother

-by Cammie

Anyway, just like my beautiful drawings, I take my poetry very seriously so please review it and give me your honest opinions unless you think that my poem is bad because that means that you are very stupid and I do not want any very stupid people reading my poetry. Thank you all for being so understanding. I will let you know how things go with my family.

Love Always,

Link | Leave a comment {4} | Share

Let's have a feel-good singalong!

Apr. 10th, 2005 | 01:43 am
mood: artisticartistic
music: gregorian chants?

Hey guys! What's up? Did you miss me terribly? I bet you did. I missed all of you. Anyway, I have been promising you all for such a very long time that I would post some of the pictures that I have drawn lately. Some of these are probably the best pictures I've ever drawn. Gees. Anyway, I'm going to put them behind an LJ cut. Let me know what you think! Most of them took me 18 hours (and 47 bags of Cheeto's) to draw. They are also very personal. I trust all of you enough to share my secret hopes and dreams with you! One might even call them captive dreams. Oh yeah and I have also been stalking that sweet and very handsome busboy Jim at the Olive Garden a lot lately. I've eaten so much fettuccine alfredo that I could burst! And I did...but only twice! Now look at my pictures. Oh yeah and just so you know, I really DO put a lot of time and energy into these pictures and I take my artistic vision VERY seriously so please give me your questions and comments. I really appreciate them as I am always looking to improve myself in all aspects of my art. Thank you very lots.

Love to love to love you,

P.S. out like trout

Warning: these may be some of the most beautiful pictures you have ever seenCollapse )

Link | Leave a comment {6} | Share